< barely>

...and implied m/m sex.

<don't forget the reference to m/f sex>

No betas, so I get to blame the ROG for the whole damn thing.

<don't you always?>

"You know, if you were more helpful when Duncan and I were  writing the stories, you wouldn't have to insist on these to blow off steam."

<I'm not blowing off steam. I'm getting in touch with my inner child.>

"Inner ego-maniac."

<I heard that.>

<That's it?>

"That's it."

<It's really finished?>

"Done. It's with some of the RSM betas. Move an apostrophe here, add a comma there, and it's done."

<No more blood?>

"You don't think the twelve bullet holes were enough?

<Well, they were colorful, but I thought you wanted me to suffer?>

"I broke your neck, too, Methos. Doesn't that count for anything?"

<Not much, no. I'm used to a lot worse.>

"Not from me, you're not."

<"You're not going to torture me?>

"Only with the occasional bad pun. Physically, not even a little bit."

<You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?>

"Me? I'm not doing anything. What's bitten you on the ass all of a sudden?"

<You and MacLeod wrote the sex scene, there was no biting. It's all sap and romance.>

"I remember writing the sex scene. You 'weren't in the mood.'"

<Well, I helped you re-write it.>

"Oh yes, you were a lot of help. Methos, you've gotta stop getting the giggles when Duncan gets romantic. It's really starting to piss him off."

<The last time I read the sex scene nobody's stage directions read  'giggle'. What did you change?>

"I'm talking about cutting out the smart-ass remarks, Methos. At least during the sex scenes."

<What smart-ass remarks? Duncan got most of the really good lines.>

"*That's* what you're pissed about! Methos, that's insane. *You* wrote most of the dialogue."

<I wrote *my* dialogue. And since I was dead or unconscious for the first third of the story, that's hardly 'most'.>

"That part was amazingly easy to write, you know."

<Bitch.>

"Anyway, you wrote Mac's 'voice of reason'. That was a big part."

<Well, it's not like there are a lot of other people in this house qualified to write the voice of reason, are there?>

"Bitch, yourself."

<Don't get into a pissing contest with me, little girl. You're not equipped to handle it.>

"Oh, I don't know. Haven't you ever heard the expression 'never underestimate an intelligent, angry woman?"

<Do you really think I'm scared of Aimee's stapler? Please. Physical violence won't keep me out of your dreams, you know. And that's where my real power comes from.>

"Having delusions of power, old man? Have you seen a professional about this?"

<In your little corner of the universe, I'm almost omnipotent.>

"Oh, this I've gotta hear."

<It's true. You don't like the stories I'm not in, and you certainly can't write stories without me. You know you could never permanently kill me. And you always want Duncan and I to end up together. That gives me an amazing amount of leverage.>

"I don't have to kill you. I'll settle for public humiliation, and I don't even have to write it myself. Diana does it *so* well, I can just go read her stories when I need to see you cringe."

<You know, between her and Olympia, not to mention Ruth and Carmel, I'm beginning to think I should put that little hole in the wall on your off-limits list.>

"The Net Cafe is not a hole in the wall. It's very chic. And there's not a thing wrong with their stories. They're great stories! They're some of my favorites. They inspire me."

<They're setting you a bad example. When you leave there you always want to torture me, or humiliate me, or make me suffer horrendous emotional agonies, or make me be a total ass to Mac.>

"That's entertainment, Methos. Don't you just love the women of the nineties? They're so well-rounded."

<They're anoretic. The women of the *1590's* were well rounded. Those were the good old days. I remember one redhead that...>

"Methos."

<What?>

"I'm really not interested in hearing this."

<No problem. I'll save it.>

"Save it for when?"

<You're going to have a very interesting dream tonight. I can feel it coming on now.>

"Methos, if you give me a nightmare about you and some redheaded bimbo, I'll..."

<Nightmare? It's going to be very erotic. Trust me. This is one of my very best stories.>

"Nightmare. And your very best stories always piss Duncan off. I don't want to have to mop blood off the kitchen floor again, Methos."

<Hey, we kept it off of the carpet.>

"I appreciated that. Really, I did. It was so sweet of you to bleed to death on my freshly waxed, white, tile floor instead."

<Complain to Kilt-boy, he's the violent one. It's on the chore list you posted on the refrigerator, remember? Amanda does female POVs and wardrobe, Dawson does maturity and calm, MacLeod does violence and romance, I do smart-ass and anything that requires thought, Richie takes out the garbage. Amanda and I trade off on devious and manipulative, and we split sex down the middle.>

"Speaking of sex and romance, Amanda says it's her turn to do a story idea."

<Since when? She did Mousetrap.>

"You still haven't forgiven her for that, have you?"

<I don't forgive, I get even. Someday I'll get around to taking care of Little Miss 'no pain, no gain, Methos.'>

"Methos, I'm not going to let you hurt Manders."

<I'm not going to 'hurt' your precious Manders. I'm just going to bruise her a little.>

"Did you have anything specific in mind, like an interesting story idea, or are you just mouthing off again?"

<Did I ever tell you the story of when and where Amanda and I really met?>

"Is this going to piss Duncan off?"

<Of course. That's the best part.>

"I'm going to regret this, I know it, but I love writing stories about you and Amanda. It sounds delicious. What shall we call it?"

<Does it matter? You always change the title at least three times before you post.>

"It helps me if I have a title. Gives me a sense of direction. And the first page looks so naked without one."

<Okay. Call this one 'Methos and the Milkmaid.'>

"No way. I'm not writing a story called 'Methos and the Milkmaid.'"

<Fine. Then call it 'All Cats are Grey in the Dark.'>

"Oh, I like that. What's the setting?"

<A very exclusive, very expensive whorehouse in New Orleans.>

"Amanda worked at a whorehouse in New Orleans?"

<No. I did. I said exclusive and expensive, remember?>

"I'll get the mop. You get Duncan out of the closet."

 The End

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