Not mine, R: P/D's. Boring. Rated R. Language, implied sex, and a little bit of violence to my closet door. No beta. We know who to blame by now, don't we?

This one's for Pattie.

"I don't believe you did this!"

<Me? I'm not the genius who put a lock on the *inside* of the closet.>

"Duncan insisted."

<You don't do that kind of thing for me.>

"Methos, I'll lock you in the closet anytime your little heart desires."

<Funny. You think you're really cute, don't you?>

"No, I think I'm really pissed."

<You're pissed? I'm the one in pain here.>

"Well it's your own damn fault. If you hadn't been picking on Duncan, he wouldn't have locked himself in the closet."

<Again. Of course, normally it's *your* fault when he does that.>

"Yeah, well it wasn't this time, was it?"

<No, I believe I get all the credit for this one.>

"Credit? Methos, let me explain something to you. If Duncan doesn't come out of the closet, there's no sex scene. If there's no sex scene, you *stay* in pain. I guarantee it."

<Please. You think I don't have other resources?>

"Like what?"

<Let me know when Kilt-boy comes out of the closet. I'll be at Bone's.>

"Won't work, Methos. Jane's finished that story. Zen and nan said "Those Who Trespass" is going up at the Soup Kitchen tonight. No help there, sorry."

<I'm sure you are. I'll call Amanda. She'll be glad to see me.>

"'Scheming, treacherous, little tart.' Ring a bell?"

<I can't believe she's still upset about that.>

"Amanda's got a long memory."

<You could change her mind though, couldn't you?>

"I could. But there's one thing wrong with that idea, Methos."

<What?>

"I'm not your pimp."

<No. You're a slash writer. You mean there's a difference?>

"Methos!"

<Okay, that was over the line. I apologize.>

"You might try apologizing to Duncan while your at it."

<I still don't see what I did that was so terrible.>

"Try being a little more understanding, Methos. This story has been very traumatic for Duncan."

<You're joking. Right? Tell me you're joking.>

"Unfortunately, I'm not."

<Does *he* have sweaters with twelve new bullet holes? I don't think so. Did *he* get his neck broken? I don't think so.>

"Did you do five pages of soul-baring emotional agony? I don't think so."

<I did my share.>

"Please. You hid in the bathroom and had a three page  conversation with your dick."

<I did not! I was talking to...Oh, you're good. You almost got me that time. I told you, that was a private conversation.>

"There is no privacy in slash stories, Methos. Don't you know that by now? You have to bare *everything*."

<Speaking of baring everything, how are we going to get Duncan out of the closet? I'm *really* ready to get on with this sex scene.>

"I'm fresh out of ideas, Methos."

<Scotch. We can lure him out with scotch.>

"I don't have any scotch. There's a bottle of Godiva liqueur in the kitchen. Will that do?"

<Maybe. If we handle it right. Okay, this is what you have to do...>
               

"Duncan?"

(What?)

"Are you planning to stay in there all night?"

(It depends. Is *he* still out there?)

"Of course he's still out here, Duncan. We haven't finished the story yet."

(Is he sober?)

"Relatively."

(Hah! I know what that means. He's just waiting for me to unlock the door so he can make fun of me again.)

"Now, Duncan. Methos is sorry. He won't do that anymore."

(Are we talking about the same Methos? The Methos that won't take me seriously? The Methos that makes jokes in the middle of my best scenes and humiliates me on the ROG list?)

"I don't know. The Methos I'm talking about is nude on the couch painting designs on his privates with my Godiva liqueur. *That* Methos? God, Duncan! Warn a girl next time. Do you know how much it's going to cost me to get that door fixed? Duncan? Hey, ya'll slow down, I need to take notes!"

 The End

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