<You know you'd miss me.>

"Would not."

<Would too.>

 <You might as well give up, you can't fix this.>

"I can fix it, Methos."

<How? You've written us into a corner. The only thing you've left for me to do is kill him. Which isn't looking like a bad idea at this point.>

"Chill out, Methos. You got to kick him in the balls, wasn't that enough?"

<You only had me do that to shut him up. You were as tired of listening to that morbid bullshit as I was. Five pages of Duncan angst! What were you thinking?>

"I couldn't help it! I needed angst and you weren't around to supply it. I had to fall back on Kilt-boy."

<And didn't he come up with a winner? Need angst? Kill Methos! Not enough? Kill him again!>

"He was playing to his strengths. Duncan does suffering so well."

<Excuse me? *Duncan* was suffering? Who bled to death in the alley? Who died on the barge?>

"Well, yeah, but you got a really great reviving scene. And you get all those wonderful opportunities to be really pissed at Mac and say all those really sarcastic 'Methos' type lines. If you'll just cooperate."

<You just don't get it, do you? I don't *want* to be pissed at Mac. I'm tired of being pissed at Mac. I've been either dead or pissed at Mac for three weeks now. I want SEX. Write me a sex scene.>

"We'll get to the sex scene, Methos. It's not time yet."

<I'll let you in on a little secret known only by very wise, five thousand year old men. It's *always* time for sex.>

"Get a grip, Methos."

<I'd *love* to. Isn't that what we're arguing about?>

"Methos, we have to get Duncan feeling really guilty first or the set up won't work."

<You've been doing 'Duncan angst' for five pages. Don't you think that's enough?>

"Well, I don't know. He's got an awful lot to feel guilty about. First we have to deal with the whole Kronos thing, and Duncan has to obsess over how young and vulnerable you look when you're dead. Then there's Keane and the absolutely shitty way Duncan treated you in FUOT, and then he has to admire how pale and delicate your skin looks against his sheets, then..."

<If you bring up Byron again I'll vomit.>

"I love that episode! It's got such delicious three-way sexual tension! And you looked sooo hot."

<You always start right after Byron. Don't you think you should try something else?>

"I am. This one starts right after FUOT."

<Oh, forgive me. Obviously that's a *major* departure. Right *before* Byron. Makes all the difference in the world.>

"Screw you, Methos. You're not helping."

<Not until we get to the sex scene, no.>

"Fine. Duncan will help me. Where *is* Duncan?"

<Where he always goes when you get like this. He's hiding in the closet. He's afraid you'll let me kick him in the balls again.>

"I wouldn't do that and he knows it."

<How could he know it? You let him kill me twice, why shouldn't I get to kick him twice?>

"Technically, *Duncan* didn't actually kill you at all, so those deaths don't count."

<You want to run that by me again? I think I missed something. He sat by and did nothing while I died the first time, then he *caused* the second death. In my book, that counts.>

"Nobody's keeping score here, Methos."

<Not true. I am.>

"Fine. Okay. Have it your way. You want sex, you'll get sex. Where's Richie?"

<You wouldn't.>

"Why not? His little cameo in the first scene went well. I think he could handle it."

<Try making a threat that means something. You couldn't write a sex scene between me and Richie if your life depended on it.>

"*My* life doesn't. Yours however..."

<Please. Just kill me again.>

"Don't tempt me, old man."

<You wouldn't dare.>

"You know, for a man who's supposed to be so smart, you can say some really stupid things."

<You've already killed me twice and you're only on the thirteenth page. You're trying for a bit of drama here, remember? Kill me again and it degenerates into farce.>

"Then help me out. Give me a little Methos angst to balance all the Duncan guilt. Suffer for me a little, Methos."

<Let's try this one more time. I'll use very small words. You don't *need* angst. You can't *do* angst. Your attempts at angst give your betas giggling fits. Funny. You do *funny*. And sex, lots and lots of sex. No angst, no hurt/comfort.>

"Can I do torture? Olympia's been teaching me about torture. She's sent me all these really great sites...."

<NO! No torture. I see I'm going to have to have a little talk with our good friend Olympia.>

"You leave Olympia alone. She was just trying to help. How about a few broken toes? Just a *little* torture, Methos? Please?"

<You've been reading 'Little Earthquakes' again, haven't you? I'm going to have a few words with Zen and nancy while I'm at it.>

"Oh, please do. I'd pay money to watch *that* little confrontation. They'll have you for lunch. With ketchup. Zen and nancy aren't afraid of you, old man."

<Doesn't matter. You are.>

"In your dreams. Besides, if you won't help me, Amanda will. She knows a lot about torture and she's still pissed at you for that 'treacherous little tart' remark."

<Good luck getting hold of her. She's over at Bone's.>

"Not for long. Jane sent her story to the betas. It'll be up at the Soup Kitchen any day now."

<Thank God. Now *there's* a writer who appreciates me. Jane lets me have sex. Really good sex. Hot, spicy, juicy sex. And in her new story I get to screw *everybody*.>

"Sounds like your kind of story all right. Jane told me that with all the sex that goes on at the Soup Kitchen, she's amazed anybody would eat food prepared on those counters. Methos, don't you have *any* shame?"

<Not the last time I looked, no. Shame and guilt are a waste of energy. And I need all my energy for...>

"Sex. I got it. All right. Go get Kiltboy out of the closet and we'll jump ahead to the sex scene."

<That's my girl. I knew you'd come around.>

The End

Feedback!