No money changed hands. And it *isn't* my fault. Moonpuppy and Penny lit the fuse, but Ellen supplied the dynamite.

 "Don't sulk, Methos. It makes your eyes go all small and squinty."

<It's my party and I'll sulk if I want to.>

"Party? Are we having a party? Who's coming?"

<No one.>

"That's a really...intimate gathering, Methos."

<I prefer to think of it as exclusive.>

"Don't you think you'd have more fun if you invited guests?"

<No, I don't. And no guests means I don't have to share the  beer.>

"Uh-huh. Figures."

<Plus, no guests means no one to make fun of me.>

"You're sulking again."

<"I have a right to sulk. You've convinced everyone that I'm...>

"I've convinced everyone that you're what, Methos?"

<Never mind.>

"Reticence isn't your style, Methos. Your nose gets all scrunchey and it makes you look furtive and untrustworthy. Spit it out."

<Better furtive and untrustworthy than whiney and mean-spirited.>

"Whiney? Who said you were whiney?"

<Ellen. In front of the entire ROG-L!>

"Strange, I didn't realize Ellen knew you that well."

<You're not helping.>

"Am I supposed to help?"

<I'm your Muse, your inspiration! You're supposed to stand up for me! You're supposed to take my side in these little character disputes.>

"Okay, fine. Don't have a cow, I'll take care of it. Ellen, listen up. My Methos Muse is not mean-spirited. Satisfied?"

<Actually, Moonpuppy and Penny think I'm mean. Ellen was the one who said I whine and moan.>

"Well..."

<I don't fucking believe this! My own writer thinks I'm whiney!>

"Face it Methos, you *do* have a tiny little tendency to pout."

<I never pouted until I moved in with you. What does that tell you?>

"Oh, so now your character flaws are *my* fault? Thanks a lot, Methos."

<Hey, you're the writer, I'm just the Muse. No matter what you tell them, it's not my fault. I have no objective reality. I am merely a reflection of your inner most thoughts. Whatever you type, I have to say.>

"Right, Methos. You're *sooo* cooperative. I'm sure everyone's noticed that."

<It's true! Unlike some people in this room, *I* have a very good grasp of reality.>

"Spl...."

 <"Oh, *that* was attractive. Good thing you live alone.>

"I wish. Was that your way of getting me to clean the monitor?"

<No, and if you're going to make a habit of spitting out perfectly good beer, would you please drink the cheap stuff?>

"I have no intention of making a habit of it. I just happen to have a very sensitive gag reflex, combined with a low tolerance for bullshit."

<Bullshit? I'm trying to be philosophical here.>

"Oh please, Methos, don't do this to me. You know I don't do *serious*. If you want to have another discussion about Muses and metaphysics, I'm sure I've got Ellen's ICQ number here somewhere. I'll even set it up for you. Duncan and I will go see a movie, and you and Ellen can discuss the ultimate nature of reality all night long. Just don't drag me into it."

<I don't need to have this discussion with Ellen. That would be a lot easier. Unfortunately, I need to have it with you.>

"Oh God."

<Don't worry. It's not going to hurt. Much.>

"Uh-huh. Why don't I believe that? I know--it's because you're a man!"

<I'm not just any man, I'm your Methos Muse. You can trust me.>

"Take me now, Lord."

<Stop that. I'm trying to have a serious conversation here.>

"Why?"

<What do you mean 'why'? It's important!>

"To whom?"

<To me!>

"But Methos, according to you, you're just a 'reflection of my inner most thoughts.' And I'm not in the mood to have an argument with myself. Besides, the people on the lists already think I'm strange, I don't have to go to this much trouble to prove it."

<Do it because you owe me.>

"Owe you? Did I miss something here? Remember me, Methos? I'm the one who works two jobs so you can sit on your butt and drink beer and watch Three Stooges videos all day. Where does this 'I owe you' shit come from?"

<Collar. Leash. Duncan pouncing *again*. 'Body and Soul, Methos.' Ring a bell? No? How about this: 'if you're good, you get lube, Methos.'>

"I knew letting you read my notes was a mistake."

<I don't have to go along with this new plot, you know. Just because I can do submissive doesn't mean I like it.>

"I'm being blackmailed by a 'reflection of my inner most thoughts' that has no 'objective reality'?"

<Well, I may have exaggerated my lack of reality a little.>

"Just a little?"

<So the metaphor wasn't perfect. I'm trying to work on your level. It isn't easy.>

"You know, I don't absolutely *have* to use the collar."

<Thank you.>

"It could be a body harness. Manacles, restraints. And I think the chains are still hanging from the ceiling."

<Duncan won't do that.>

"And flashbacks. *Lots* of flashbacks. I'm sure Kady will loan me her Kronos Muse."

<I've got news for you, if I'm just a little more than a reflection, what do you think a Kronos Muse is?>

"I have no idea. But it might be fun to find out. Why don't we invite Kronos over and you can tell *him* this little 'reflection' theory of yours."

<So I exaggerated a *lot*. You don't have to get snippy.>

"No, Methos, it might be fun. We'll invite Kronos to your little pity party. We can settle the question of your 'objective reality' once and for all."

<I don't think I like where this is going.>

"Don't worry. It's not going to hurt. Much."

<You see? *This* is why they think I'm whiney!>

"Now why would they think that, Methos? Just because you're whining again?"

<Why can't you write something sweet? Something gentle and warm  that lets me be romantic. Or something dramatic that lets me be self-sacrificing and heroic. Something that shows I can be more than simply sarcastic and whiney.>

"Really? You can?"

<Of course I can. And I'd love to do it! I'd help with the dialogue and everything. I'd even do Duncan's logic scenes for you.>

"You're really desperate, aren't you?"

<You have no idea. My reputation as a Muse may depend on this.>

"Well, unfortunately, we've got to write Belling the Cat first. I promised I'd finish it."

<Why? Other people write more than one series. How long have you been waiting on Blood Ties?>

"Rache and Maygra just updated that last month, Methos."

<Okay, Resolution and Intervention?>

"Lost cause. Merry's writing Sentinel fic now. But Belling is going to be kind of angsty, Methos."

<"How angsty?>

"As angst-ridden as you're willing to let it be. It always comes down to that, Methos."

<Can I be warm and tender?>

"Eventually."

<Can I cry? I'm really sexy when I cry, and I do it awfully well. Duncan melts.>

"I'd noticed. Sure. I'm positive we can find a reason for you to cry."

<Something that doesn't involve physical pain?>

"Wimp."

<Give me a break. I'm willing to do angst for you. That's a major concession.>

"Sure it is, Methos. Let's just keep one thing straight. You're not doing this for me, you're doing it to salvage your precious reputation."

<Fine. Whatever. Just write, damn it.>

"And one other thing..."

<What?>

"You have to apologize to Blair and stop calling him Princess."

<Some things I'm willing to do for art. Some things are just plain silly.>

"Sorry. I thought it might be worth a shot."

<Think again.>

 The End

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