<And *that's* the problem, in a nutshell.>

Speaking of nuts....

 "Methos, don't do this. Please. I'm begging here, Methos. I do *not* want to get in the middle of this."

<No problem. If you don't want to be involved, go lock yourself in the closet. Duncan could probably use the company.>

"Methos, pleeeease. I *never* jump into the controversial stuff. I *never* get into the serious discussions. Jokes, Methos. We do *jokes*."

<I promise you, war is the biggest joke the human race ever played on it's self. It'll be a scream.>

"No, Methos, it'll be bloody as hell!"

<It's too late to stop it. They've gone too far this time. It's time to take action.>

"Action? I thought 'do nothing' was your standard response?"

<Usually. But everyone has their breaking point and I've reached mine.>

"Uh-huh. And obviously the mind was the first thing to go."

<Listen, if you're not going to help, at least stay out of my way. But before you leave, what's Methosgrrl's e-mail addy?>

"NO!!"

<Never mind. I'm sure it's in the mail program.>

"Methos, stay the fuck out of my address book!"

<Sorry. It's too late to stop it. Some insults are just too big to ignore.>

"Please don't do this. Do *not* try to get Methosgrrl's Muses involved in this. You're messing with the big guns here, Methos. And take it from me, her followers can be rabid."

<Get them involved? We're doing this for them! Don't worry about me, I've played with the big boys before, I can handle it.>

"You have no idea what you're getting into, do you?"

<What are you so worked up about? I've dealt with Caesars. Sane and insane ones. I've dealt with Huns and Visigoths. I've dealt with Kronos Muses, for God's sake! How tough could a few Hairboy Muses be?>

"Hairboy Muses come attached to Jim Muses, Methos. Remember Jim? The *big* guy? And some of them even come attached to Duncan Muses."

<So? I happen to know where I can get a dozen Worf Muses, cheap. And Worf Muses are always ready to rumble. And if we need to, I know where I can pick up *hundreds* of Smurf Muses.>

"It won't be enough, Methos. Those Hairboy Muses are tougher than they look."

<But they're not as pissed off as the neglected and spurned Methos Muses. My troops are more motivated. Hell, Merry's Methos Muse alone is worth any ten Hairboy Muses. And he's *really* pissed. Do you know how long he's been waiting for his sequel? And the *sex* was coming in the sequel! Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? How much is the poor man supposed to take?>

"Oh God."

<And there are all the Methos Muses of all the other HL writers who have succumbed to the siren song of that hairy little dickless wonder.>

"Oh God."

<And our poster child, Zen&nan's Methos Muse. They *abused* him!>

"Methos! That's a lie and you know it. Zen and nan would *never* abuse a Muse! Although I can understand how it would be very tempting at times."

<They let the enemy call him a *jerk*! In public! And they won't let Methos Muse reciprocate! If that's not abuse, what is it?>

"The plot?"

<Exactly! It's a plot. They're conspiring against us! They're gathering their forces in the darkness, preparing to over run our borders! If we don't defend ourselves we'll disappear into the forgotten files of fandom, like all the Spock and Kirk Muses.>

"You've been hanging out with Amy's Mulder Muse again, haven't you?"

<We've conferred, yes. We have to, he's advising us on the handling of our spy network.>

"Well of course he is. Tell me, what does Scully Muse think about all this?"

<Who?>

"That's what I thought. Have you mentioned your little blitzkrieg plan to Duncan?"

<He's not interested. Hell, sometimes it seems like half the Duncan Muses are screwing Hairboy Muses on a regular basis.>

"Ours isn't."

<I know. Thank you for that. Your loyalty has been noted and logged.>

"Don't mention it. Please. But there is something I'd like to know."

<What?>

"What the hell are you so juiced about? I don't write anything *but* Methos stories. Why the hell are *you* leading this Muse SWAT team? Why isn't one of the Methos Muses with a *real* grievance doing it."

<We took a vote, and I was elected. Speaking of which, how's the beer supply?.>

"It's fine. Why?"

<We're having a little meeting tonight, and...>

"Oh no. Abso-fucking-lutely not. You are *not* planning your little insurrection in my living room."

<And why the hell not? We're civilized, polite. We're actually quite a charming group. And we're sexy as hell, too.>

"No. No woman should ever have to deal with more than one Methos Muse at a time. And sometimes that's one Methos Muse too many."

<Fine. No problem. I'll e-mail Maygra's Methos Muse. Maygra has a cast of thousands. She'll never even notice a few extra Methos Muses hanging around.>

"Trust me, Methos, Maygra's a smart lady. She'll figure it out when she gets the beer bill. And I can't believe that *her* Methos Muse is involved in this."

<He's in charge of communications. Why do you think he talked her into taking over as Chief List Wench?>

"I would have thought he'd be the perfect choice for leader. How did you get elected?"

<Uh...just lucky, I guess.>

"Pull the other one, Methos."

<Okay, fine. We decided that I had better camouflage.>

"Excuse me?"

<You're the perfect cover. No one would ever suspect *your* Methos Muse. After all, nobody takes you seriously.>

"Gee, thanks. And thank all the Methos's...Methus...Methii..."

<We prefer 'Methoses.'>

"It figures. After all, it would have to rhyme with neuroses, wouldn't it?"

The End

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