Not my fault. Methos wanted to play 'how many people can I piss off at one time.' By my count, he's up in the three hundreds now.

 "Methos, that's cruel. Even by *your* standards, that's cruel."

<And I'm just getting started. Wait till I get warmed up. Then the little tart will *really* have something to worry about.>

"Huh?"

<What do you think I should start with? Heat? Cold? I kind of like Amy's suggestion about the many uses of bacon grease.>

"I repeat, huh?"

<Pay attention, I'm on a roll here. Where did Duncan put the feathers?>

"Methos, what the hell are you talking about?"

<Torturing Amanda. What the hell are *you* talking about?>

"I'm talking about how shabbily you're treating the ladies on the ROG-L."

<Oh, this should be good. Specifically?>

"Going behind my back, posting bits and pieces as we write them. *Before* we've finished the story. You're teasing them, Methos."

<You posted the first one. I was just following your lead.>

"Methos, that was an accident!"

<Uh-huh. Right. An accident. Well, mine was just to get them back on track. They're supposed to be talking about *me*.>

"Methos, give your ego a rest. They talk about you all the time."

<Bullshit. I monitored the list this afternoon while you were writing. Adrian Paul. Dragon Con. They don't care about me anymore. Even the Chief List Wench has deserted me.>

"Methos, they do have other things going on in their lives, you know. And they still manage to give you a lot of their time. Besides, it's not like you do anything to deserve it."

<Excuse me? Have you been paying attention? Do you know what I put up with from those people?>

"Dangly bits? Nose jokes?"

<And that woman who wants to iron me. With starch. And don't think I've forgotten, the smurfs were *your* fault.>

"They were not! That whole smurf thing was started by Chameleon and Frances. Why, I was practically an innocent bystander."

<Please. Not even Duncan believes that. Even the Fuzz thought that was too much.>

"The Fuzz? Have you been talking to Jim?"

<He...dropped by the other evening.>

"Dropped by? He 'dropped by?' I thought he was with Zen and nan? What was he doing *here*?"

<Nothing.>

"Methos, don't make me e-mail Zen and nan. What was Jim doing here?"

<Blair sent him.>

"Blair? Did you say Blair? Not 'Hairboy?' Not 'the dickless wonder?' Methos, are you feeling all right? You haven't been drinking cheap beer again, have you?"

<I'm fine. Do you think we could get back to torturing Amanda now? We left her hanging from the ceiling, remember?>

"She's in chains, Methos. She'll keep. I have a bad feeling about this 'Jim" business. I want to know why Blair sent him here all the way from Zen and nan's."

<Fine. He sent him to talk to you.>

"To me? About what?"

<Nothing important. I took care of it. Can we get back to the story now?>

"That 'bad feeling' I was having is becoming a *really* bad feeling."

<Look, it was no big deal. The Princess got his little feelings hurt, and stomped his little foot and sent Jim to talk to you.>

"Oh shit."

<Hey, I told you, I took care of it. Can we get on with the Amanda torture now? I've been waiting a long time for this opportunity. Now that it's finally arrived, I'm planning to enjoy every sweat-soaked, oil-coated moment of it.>

"God, Methos! I *knew* your mouth was going to get me in trouble someday. What did Jim say?"

<Nothing I'm going to repeat. I don't plan on adding those particular phrases to your vocabulary, you might be tempted to use them against me. The Fuzz is a lot more articulate than he looks.>

"I doubt whether he said anything I haven't heard before. What really worries me is what you said to him that made him leave without delivering the message in person."

<I showed him the smurf Quickening.>

"And he left? Just like that? The big, strong Sentinel was frightened off by a few pudgy little Methos-worshipping smurfs?"

<Not exactly.>

"Out with it, Methos. I'm probably going to get e-mail from Zen and nan, so you might as well tell me your version first."

<Well, I just happened to mention those Barney rants you were snickering about.>

"Oh God. You told Jim I was going to slash him with Barney?"

<Not specifically, no. I just mentioned it and let him make the connection. You have a reputation for doing weird shit like that. I just...put it to good use.>

"Methos, you're brilliant."

<Thank you. Reward my brilliant efforts on your behalf by getting back to torturing the tart.>

"No problem. Where were we?"

<Duncan's fetching the ice. I'm trying to decide which edible massage oil I should start with.>

"Oooh, edible. One of my favorite words."

<Knock yourself out. Pick a good one.>

"Well, almond and strawberry are out, I guess."

<Been done.>

"Banana?"

<Carmel just did the banana thing.>

"What else is on the list?"

<I kind of like this one.>

"Methos, that is *not* how you spell kumquat!"

<But it's tempting, isn't it? I think even Ellen might let that one slide.>

"Give it up, Methos. Sucking up to slash writers doesn't help. I don't think the Krell are going to let you flog him."

<I bet I could talk them into it. Ellen's never shown any tendency to torture me. *She* likes me.>

"Uh-huh. I especially liked the way she dropped you on your ass in 'Beautiful Friendship.' Then of course, there's Rache who loves to put you through the emotional wringer, and Killa's probably not real thrilled with where you left Amanda."

<Like you've never dropped me on my bum? My bum is getting permanent rug-burns. Killa won't mind a little Amanda torture because the tart's in for the night of her life, and Rache owes me a happy ending. Or *some* kind of ending, anyway.>

"Methos, if you were really serious about this you would be nicer to the ladies on the ROG-L. They're lobbying pretty hard for a  Kilt-boy flogging in Desert Prince."

<True. Some of them do seem to have my best interests at heart. *They* would probably let me flog Amanda.>

"No flogging."

<You never let me have any *real* fun.>

"Not true. I've got a special little treat I've been saving, just for you."

<You're going to give me back my cattle prod?>

"Get real, Methos. Besides, I lent it to Kronos."

<Shit. Why did you do that? You know he never returns anything.>

"It was in a good cause. He had a date with Cassandra."

<I withdraw my objection. The bitch could use a good shock up the...>

"Methos! Do you have to piss off *everybody* tonight? We have a truce with Cassie, remember?"

<Fine. Cassandra's an angel. She brightens my otherwise miserable days. And she makes wonderful homemade cheesecakes. With  strawberries. Satisfied?>

"Better."

<May I vomit now?>

"Don't you want your treat first?"

<Why? You never let me do anything *really* interesting.>

"Uh-huh. Poor Methos. Nobody loves him anymore."

<Tell me>

"I have a plan for that Barney rant."

<You're scaring me again.>

"Why? Don't you think Princess Blair will look good in purple?"
 

 The End

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