(Do you want my help with this, or not?)

He's starting to scare me. Methos knows *way* too much about driving women insane. It's not healthy.

(But it's so entertaining.)

No beta. No fault.

(And no power tools).

Shut up, Methos.

This one's for Moonpuppy.

(I do like the way her mind works.)

You can stop sucking up, Methos, she's not the one that's mad at you.

(She's a slash writer, I'm not taking any chances.)

 <What are you up to now?>

"I beg your pardon?"

<You started with a sex scene. You *never* put a the sex scene at the beginning of a story. You're up to something.>

"I'm not up to anything, Methos. I just felt like writing a sex scene."

<Pigeon shit. You have to be pushed, bribed, blackmailed, and publicly humiliated into writing the sex scenes. You're up to something.>

"Shit, Methos! Make up your mind. If I'm not writing you a sex scene, you're complaining; if I am writing you a sex scene, you're suspicious. You're too paranoid, old man."

<Paranoia is a valuable survival skill. And I have every reason to be paranoid. You've been a real bitch to me in the last two stories.>

"*I've* been a real bitch? Who kicked Duncan in the balls?"

<One of my better moments. And my timing was impeccable.>

"Tell me something, Methos. Why is it that when you don't like something it's my fault, and when something works you take all the credit?"

<Just another one of those well-honed survival skills.>

"Uh-huh. Right up there with a thousand-and-one ways to remove bloodstains and that little maneuver you were showing Richie the other night."

<I didn't think you saw that.>

"I see everything, old man. And if he tries that on Amanda, she's not going to be amused."

<Hey, it's not my fault the kid believes everything anybody tells him. And Amanda will get over it. Sooner or later.>

"You'd better hope it's sooner. She's in this story."

<Again? Why did you have to do that? Duncan and I were just getting comfortable.>

"It's a sequel to Mousetrap. Amanda has to be in it."

<Mousetrap? Oh no. I told you, no more rough sex. I need a break.>

"Don't worry about it. I'm not planning any rough sex. And besides, she's not in the first sex scene anyway."

<She's not? You mean it's just me and Mac? Alone?>

"Yep. Kilt-boy and the Bitch."

<Funny. Mousetrap, huh? You promised me I'd get a chance to get even with her for that one.>

"I know."

<Are you really going to let me set up Amanda?>

"Within limits."

<Limits? What limits? She's an Immortal, as long as I don't take her head, I can...>

"I'm letting Duncan set the limits on this one, Methos."

<Duncan? Wonderful. Are we going to do revenge á la boy scout? Amanda didn't have limits set by the Great Wimp of Scotland when she set *me* up!>

"Yeah, well, Amanda doesn't have the potential for wide-spread devastation and destruction that you do."

<I'm touched. That may be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.>

 "Methos, has anyone ever told you that you're *really* twisted?"

<Frequently. I hang out with slash writers, you know. I even crashed the RSM pajama party last weekend. Now *there's* a group of women who appreciate 'twisted' when they see it.>

"I'm sure they love you too, Methos. Now can you put that twisted mind to work on this story, please."

<I'm at your service. Where are we?>

"Well, Duncan's on his knees, and..."

<I like it already. When do I get to torture Amanda?>

"We need to have a little talk about those limits, Methos."

<You're going to wimp-out on me here, aren't you?>

"No. At least, not exactly. But there are rules. Duncan says you can get even with Amanda, but no physical torture."

<And how does Kilt-boy define 'physical torture.'>

"You never should have started reading him slash for bedtime stories, Methos. No blood. No hammers. No hot wax. No sharp, pointy things. And Duncan gets to help."

<No pointy things?>

"No *sharp* pointy things."

<Oh. You scared me for a minute.>

"Get real, Methos. It's a slash story. Of course you get to....I don't believe we're having this conversation."

<Can I borrow your handcuffs?>

"You can use the ones with the fur lining."

<Oh, *that'll* be uncomfortable! This is ridiculous! Next you'll say I can't...>

"Can't what?"

<Never mind.>

"Methos...."

<Ice. Can I use ice? And feathers?>

"No problem."

<Can I use the whip?>

"It's in the closet. If Duncan will let you in to get it, you can use it."

<And the dust-buster?>

"No. And the power tools are off-limits, too."

<Power tools? Oh, please. Do you think I'm an amateur? I can drive the woman insane without ever laying a finger on her.>

"Technically, that's within the limits. Duncan didn't say anything about not driving her insane."

<Of course not. It's Amanda. How could anyone tell?>

"Lighten up, Methos. Mousetrap wasn't *that* bad. And she did get you into bed with Duncan."

<I was unconscious and bleeding on the bed at the end of the story.>

"That was Duncan, not Amanda."

<Duncan never would have treated me like that if she hadn't set me up.>

"Are you sure about that?"

<I'm sure. Duncan would never have thought up what happened to me in Mousetrap, and you know it. He hid in the closet for a week after you posted that one.>

"Guilt is an amazing thing, isn't it? You've gotten an incredible amount of mileage out of that story."

<I have no idea what you're talking about.>

"Sure you don't. 'Duncan, if you're really sorry, you'll get me a beer. Duncan if you really want to make it up to me you'll come wash my back. Duncan, can I have the remote...'"

<Is it my fault the man is totally besotted with me?>

"I'd love to say yes, but I can't. I have to blame that one on the slash writers."

<Including you.>

"Don't rub it in, Methos.

<Sorry. I'll be good.>

"Why don't I  find that reassuring?"

<Trust me. You're gonna love this one. Warm up the computer. I'm gonna go get the handcuffs.>

//Did he fall for it?//

"Hook, line, and sinker. You were right, Amanda."

//Of course I was right. He's a man, isn't he? Did you really think he was going to pass up the chance to tie me to the bed and have his wicked way with me?//

"Not really, no. But Manders--he'll figure it out sooner or later. Keep your bags packed and your running shoes handy. You may have to disappear for awhile after this one."

//As long as I get mind- bending sex first, I don't care."//

"Fine. It's your funeral. Just don't forget to scream on cue."

 The End

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