<Well?>

"Well 'what,' Methos?"

<Why aren't you writing?>

"I don't write all the time you know. Despite what you might prefer to believe, I *do* have a life that doesn't include you."

<Not that I've noticed.>

"Very cute."

<Wasn't it? I do cute so well.>

"Funny. I thought your specialty was 'smart ass.'"

<You didn't answer my question. Why aren't you writing.>

"I'm busy."

<Pacing around the living room?>

"Yeah, well..."

<Oh no. You're stuck, aren't you?>

"Just a little bit. It's no big deal, Methos."

<No big deal? You left me unconscious on the bed with blood running down my thighs! That's no big deal?>

"You're an Immortal. You'll heal."

<That's beside the point. You left me unconscious, unable to defend myself. With a horny Amanda and an obviously demented MacLeod. There's no telling what they'll do to me.>

"Calm down. They won't hurt you, Methos."

<Excuse me? Was it my imagination, or weren't they responsible for the state I'm in. No, sorry, I forgot. *You're* responsible.>

"Me? I wasn't even there!"

<But you're the writer. Ultimately it's all your fault.>

"*My* fault? Oh, that's a good one. None of you will do what you're told, you keep adding your own lines, you won't even wear the wardrobe I picked out for you, but it's all my fault?"

<Hey. It's not my fault you can't control your characters. I'm not even really here, you know.>

"Well, since you're not really here, shut up and let me work."

<Pardon me for being concerned. I was just trying to help.>

"Bullshit. You're just worried I'm going to let Mac and Amanda do something kinky to you while you're unconscious."

<Mac would never do that.>

"He will if I tell him to."

<No, he won't. Why do you think he's been sulking in the closet all day? He wasn't happy about the way you made him treat me. He says if he doesn't get to be all tender and concerned in the next scene, he's not coming out.>

"He can't be tender and concerned, it'll ruin the story! He doesn't get to be mushy and do warm snugglies until at least part three!"

<And that, in a nutshell, is the problem. You *love* warm snugglies! What ever made you try to do rough sex? You know you can't handle it.>

"I can so handle it! I love to read Maygra's stuff. And Zen and nancy's h/c stories. You know I go back and re-read them all the time!"

<Last time you left Maygra's site you were crying. I told you not to read it until it was finished. But would you listen to me? Of course not! I'm only five thousand years old, what do I know?>

"I'm over that now. Besides, she fixed it. And you know you liked Z&n's 'Moving' as much as I did."

<That's totally different. I got to be the dominant one in that story.>

"Yeah. Poor Kiltboy. You really worked him over."

<That's it! That's why you're doing this to me! You're upset about the way I treated Duncan.>

"I am not! How Duncan let's you treat him in their stories is between the four of you. It has nothing to do with what I'm writing."

<Or not writing, as the case may be.>

"Shut up, Methos. Where's Amanda? She'll help me. We girls stick together, and all that feminine bonding shit."

<Not today. She's still upset that you got bloodstains all over her new designer blouse, and then wouldn't even let her kill that OFC.>

"I can't write fight scenes, Methos. You know that. That's why you never get Immies of the Week in my stories."

<I know that. Believe it or not, I approve. We come here to rest and get away from all that, you know. You don't work us nearly as hard as the others, and you let us laugh and have great sex. That's why this new story has everybody all stirred up. I mean, blood? What made you suddenly decide that I was just dying to have rough sex?>

"It...seemed like a good idea at the time?"

<Try again.>

"Okay. I was upset. I read a new OFC story. You know what those do to me."

<So you decided to take it out on me? What did I do to you?>

"It's always your fault, Methos! All those god damned OFCs always show up looking for you. And they're all such immature, pre- psychotic bitches!"

<Not all of them.>

"Okay. I'll grant you Janaris and Morgan. They're pretty cool. But the others... Jeeeez, Methos! Where did you meet all these aggressive women?"

<Read my lips. It's not my fault. *I* don't write these stories. I just have to live in them.>

"Oh. Sorry. Got carried away there, didn't I?"

<Just a bit. Are you going to go back and fix the story now?>

"I'll try. Where *is* Amanda? I'm going to need her. She has a really hot sex scene coming up."

<She's in the dining room again.>

"The dining room? Amanda doesn't go into the dining room. The only time she even goes *near* the dining room is...Blair!"

<You called?>

"What are you doing here?"

<Amanda sent for me. She said you had stopped writing and she was bored. And I had so much fun the last time, I figured, what the hell man.>

"You can't be here! How are Zen and nan going to finish TLB without you?"

<Finish? Man, they're never going to finish that. It's going to go on forever.>

"I would think you'd be grateful for that. You've been cancelled you know."

<Aw, you just had to bring that up, didn't you? And you're supposed to be the *nice* one. All Southern and gooey. Nan says you even bat your lashes.>

"I'll show you *nice* Sandberg. Wanna see what I'm doing to Methos?"

<I heard. Is poor Duncan still pouting?>

"He doesn't pout, he broods. Magnificently. And he'll get over it as soon as he gets to do warm snugglies."

<I can help with that. I do great warm snugglies.>

"Go back to Colorado, Blair. Zen and nan are in charge of *your* warm snugglies. I don't write you. I've got enough uncooperative muses as it is."

<I don't want to. They'll beat me up again, I know it.>

"Suffer, Hairboy. I'm not about to piss off Zen and nan. It's one of my rules: never piss off chicks with green mohawks or shaved heads. Besides, you know you love it. Nobody does hurt and anguished like you do."

<I haven't forgotten that. *You're* the one that told nan I make a great damsel in distress.>

"Get your little Yankee butt back to Colorado. Amanda, put some clothes on. Kilt-boy, out of the closet before I sic the cats on you. Methos...you just sit there and keep your mouth shut."

<We're yours to command Oh High and Mighty One.>

"I told you to shut up, Methos."

<But you can't make me.>

"Wanna bet? All I have to do is pick up the magic keyboard and..."

<What magic keyboard?>

"I don't get it. This always works for Merry!"