<Wanna bet? Do you know how much this thing itches? My skin is *delicate*, haven't you read that? Pale, and delicate, and soft as a baby's bottom. Sometimes luminous and alabaster, sometimes
flushed with the rosy flame of desire, but *always* delicate.>

Shut up, Methos.

*****

The Muse Side of the Force

By Suze   January, 2000

*****

"Is it ready, Amanda?"

//It's been ready for weeks. See?//

"That's it?"

//Yes.//

"Let me be more specific -- that's *all* of it?"

//Don't you like it?//

"Well, of course *I* like it, Amanda. But will Methos wear it?"

//Not for long.//

"Good point. Has he seen it yet?"

//I thought it might be better to surprise him.//

"Safer, anyway."

//You read my mind. Duncan likes it.//

<Duncan likes what?.>

"Oh. I didn't hear you come in, Methos. We were just talking about you."

<I presumed as much. I could hear the peculiar, arrhythmic wheezing of slash fans in heat all the way from the closet.>

"What are you doing out of bed at this time of the morning? Is Duncan sick?"

<No.>

//Tied up?//

<You wish.>

//Well, a girl can dream, can't she?//

<Unfortunately, Amanda, your dreams have a way of becoming my nightmares.>

"She said dreams, Methos. Not fantasies."

<As long as you've brought it up, let's talk about some of these fantasies.>

"Do we have to?"

<I think we do.>

"Can I at least have coffee first?"

//Shall I get the cattle prod?//

<Nobody's talking to you, chicklet.>

//Fine. Never let it be said that I stayed where I wasn't wanted. I'll be in the closet with Duncan.//

"Great. Desert me in my hour of need. Thanks a lot, Manders."

<Don't look at me! I never said she wasn't wanted. I *love* Amanda. I think she's delicious -- sautéed and served with rum sauce.>

"I don't have time for this Methos. Can we bypass your lame attempts at charming the writer and cut right to the chase? What do you want to complain about now?"

<Complain? Moi?>

"Complain, snivel, gripe, whine, bitch, nag..."

<I think you've got me confused with someone else. I don't nag.>

"You don't?"

<Nagging implies repetition. I usually get what I want the first time.>

"I *knew* it. Ellen was right. I'm much too good to you. I should make you work harder for what you want. I should make you suffer..."

<Speaking of suffering...>

"It's too late, Methos. That story's been posted already. It's on the web site. It's too late to take it back."

<Wonderful. Now *everyone* thinks I'm a spineless, whimpering, dishrag. Thanks a lot.>

"You're welcome."

<So. How are you going to make it up to me?>

"Uhhh..."

<I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Could you repeat it a bit louder? Perhaps with *words* this time?>

"Oh, come on, Methos. It wasn't *that* bad."

<Not that bad? You had me *apologizing* to Duncan. I *cried*. I *whimpered*.>

"So what? You've whimpered in our stories before this. You never complained then."

<I only have to whimper during sex. It's in...>

"...your contract. I know."

<Exactly. So, how are you going to make it up to me? You wouldn't want me to have to call my new union rep, would you? I'm sure he'd be happy to come over and have another little chat with
you.>

"Good God, no! Once was more than enough, thank you. Those light sabers play havoc with the computer."

<That was an entertaining evening, wasn't it? I especially loved that graceful leap you made for the surge protector. If the cat hadn't gotten in the way you might even have made it. I told Duncan I'd find a good use for all those extra Obi Wan muses.>

"I'm surprised there *are* any extras. I understand they're really popular right now."

<I have very good sources. You'd be amazed at the list of people who owe me favors.>

"Such as?"

<Surprise, surprise! Look who's name is at the top of the who-owes-me list at the moment.>

"One little bitty angst story! After everything I've done for you, you're going to hold that against me?"

<Of course.>

"Fine. What's it going to take to get you back to work this time?"

<Something that proves I'm not a wimp. Something that shows my strong, masculine side for a change.>

"Something where you die of testosterone poisoning?"

<I've been thinking about this rape scene...>

"Rape scene? *What* rape scene? I don't have any rape scenes planned."

<You do now.>

"Good plan. Who gets to rape you? Ow! I need that hand to type with, Methos."

<I want to rape Amanda.>

"Jeeesus, Methos! And you have the nerve to complain about *her* fantasies?"

<What? Do you really think she'd object? *Amanda*? She'll love it. Every time I walk past her, she tries to rip my clothes off.>

"Methos, if she doesn't object, it's not rape. Have you thought of that?"

<So she'll have to fake it. As long as she puts up a good fight, I won't mind.>

"And how do we write this rape scene without making you look like a total asshole? Do you know how twisted the plot is going to have to be to make this work?"

<Plot? Who said anything about a plot? I just want to tear her clothes off, throw the tasty little wench to the floor, and pound her into the carpet. A plot would just get in the way.>

"A rape PWP? You're kidding me, right?"

<It'll be hot. Trust me.>

"Maybe if we...okay, how about this? You take a shot to the head and it turns you into a psychotic killer. Yada yada yada, a fight, a chase scene, another fight, you rape Amanda, then Duncan
takes your head in a jealous rage because you didn't rape *him*."

<Uh...that's not quite what I had in mind...>

"It'll be hot. Trust me."

<Maybe we should give this a little more thought...>

"No, this is going to be good. What a great idea, Methos. Let's get Amanda and Duncan in here and get started."

<Uh...>

"What? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you repeat it? With *words* this time?"

<Bitch.>

"Takes one to know one. So, what else is on your wish list?"

<Fine. How about a scene where Duncan rapes *me*? Would that be easier?>

"It's been done."

<One more wouldn't hurt, would it? I really like those brutal-Duncan-raping-poor-Methos scenes.>

"You are such a slut."

<That's why you love me, darling.>

"If you've really got your heart set on a rape scene, Methos, I'm sure Moonpuppy would let us borrow the goat."

<You'd do it, too, wouldn't you?>

"In a heartbeat."

<I'm not going to win this one, am I?>

"You figured that out, huh?"

<So what *are* we going to do next?>

"You'll love it. Amanda! Wake up Duncan and bring Methos' costume and the emu oil. It's show time!"

//Coming right up!//

<Emu oil? What happened to good old almond...Oh, my God. Are those *bells*?>

//Isn't it cute? And the tassels really make it work, don't they?//

<Help me, Obi Wan! You're my only hope.>

"It's not *that* bad, Methos."

<Is it too late to change my mind about the goat?>
 
 

The End

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