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The RSM Roll Call
-- Amy |
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The RSM Roll Call
-- Amy |
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Zen: Commander in Chief, aka The Pushy Broad in Charge, Spreader of the Sap
Our Fearless Leaders, Zen and nan, are the oldest living conjoined twins in Alabama. nan, the one on the left, was Miss Tuscumbia of 1952. Recently retired after 30 years on the local police force, the sisters spend their time writing slash and perfecting their prize winning recipe for candied jalapeno pickles. Zen and nan's hobbies include synchronized swimming and tag-team wrestling.
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Killa: Amanda's Staunch Defender, Friend to Wayward Scotsmen Killa is a hermaphrodite, and an exotic dancer. You can catch her/his act nightly at Martin's SheBubba Bar and Live Bait Shoppe outside of Little Rock, Arkansas. According to Killa (who claims, despite all the evidence, that she/he has never met President Clinton), she/he gets the inspiration for her/his slash stories by watching the Saturday night action in the parking lot of the local Dairy Queen. Killa's hobbies include creating popcorn sculptures and breeding albino Beagles.
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Shar/MethosSlav: Slavemaster to Romance and h/c, Keeper of the Curls and Locks Shar's parents thought she was going to be a professional student, but alas all good things must come to an end. Later this summer we'll all be cheering Shar on as she defends her Doctoral dissertation -- "Bugs and Elmer: A Modern Paradigm of Dysfunctional Communication in Intimate Same-Sex Cross-Species Relationships." We'd like to stress that Shar's fascination with creating dioramas of furry animorphic creatures in various sexual contexts in no way contributed to the selection of her dissertation topic.
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Amy: Slash Sniper First Class, Richie's Staunch Defender, Seeker of New and Obscure Fandoms Amy runs a volunteer rescue center for abandoned Furbies near Fort Buford, North Dakota. This may explain why Amy manages to find time to write in so many fandoms. When she's not rescuing Furbies or writing slash, Amy builds cases for her potato collection. Amy thinks that the star of her collection looks just like Blair Sandburg in mid orgasm. The consensus among the rest of us is that it looks like Yul Brynner in mid sneeze, but don't feel compelled to run right out and tell Amy that.
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Bluespirit: Colour Sergeant, Procurer of Lube, Instructress in Special Skills Bluespirit, currently hiding out somewhere in Britain, is one of the world's premiere topiary artists. She specializes in fashioning representations of her favorite slash pairings. The one of Duncan and Methos visiting the circus is breathtaking - you can almost smell the elephant. We've planted an azalea for her to work on at the RSM clubhouse, but so far she's been successful in fighting extradition.
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Melina: Koala Bear of the Apocalypse, Keeper of the Kilt and Blue Face Paint In 1974, at the tender age of seventeen, Melina went to work as an Underwear Inspector at the Hanes plant in Wahoo, Nebraska. She started as the lowly Inspector #98, but her ambition and unflagging enthusiasm for her work, have sky rocketed her to the coveted position of Chief Underwear Inspector. Melina's favorite hobby is collecting take out menus from cities that, unlike Wahoo, actually have take out restaurants. Every day after work she admires her collection while dining on her favorite supper of cold poptarts and rhubarb-flavored soy milk. (UPDATE: Less than 24 hours after posting the information above, we were visited by three men in Glenn Plaid suits, who, after assuring us (without being asked) that they were in no way affiliated with the Federal Witness Protection Program, the National Security Agency, or the Air Force, asked that we make the following changes in Melina's bio: 1974 should read 1993; Hanes plant in Wahoo, Nebraska should read Domino Sugar plant in Basile, Louisianna; Underwear Inspector should read Stalk Stomper. And under no circumstances are we to mention Jimmy "The Fish" deTalia, missing newbies, baby lima beans, or the pod in Melina's basement.)
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JaC: Bone's Flag Waver, Librarian to Methos and Blair, Keeper of Duncan's Merit Badges and Ellison's Cape JaC collects elves. Not pastel porcelain elves, or water color paintings of big-eyed, waif-like elves, or even movie posters of blond, strangely androgynous elves. Real live elves. She keeps them in her backyard, in rabbit-hutches. Apparently, real elves are a lot nastier than the starry-eyed people in LotR fandom think, hence JaC's extensive collection of cattle prods and wire muzzles. Also, they smell, which is causing a few complaints from the neighbors.
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Olympia: Keeper of wet muses, Handmaiden in Charge of Bloodstain Removal and Two a.m. Beer Runs (just the good stuff) Olympia only eats yellow food. She claims she's trying to adjust her aura, which she swears is woad blue, to a more balanced green tone. It doesn't seem to be working, but what do we know? We never thought her aura was blue to begin with. Barb, the last person to see Olympia in the flesh, reported that her aura was still peach with gold highlights, and smelled like papaya. Olympia's current hobby is organic window box gardening. She only grows yellow varieties of veggies, of course. It's going well, but her neighbors are starting to complain about coming home to find their window boxes replanted with yellow wax beans, yellow peppers, and a new experimental variety of edible, yellow variegated Kudzu.
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Melissa: Procuress and Distributor of Despair-Flavored Pop-Tarts Melissa is on sabbatical. She's taken time off from her slash writing to knit angora sweaters for Mexican hairless Chihuahuas, and those odd hypo-allergenic hairless cats. They're really ugly, but you didn't hear that from us. The sweaters, not the animals.
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elynross: Editrix Rex, Musebane, Keeper of the Possibilities and Quiddities elynross hides it from the rest of the world, but she can’t hide it from us. She's a hopeless romantic. She lives in a pink world. Her house is pink, her clothes are pink, her furniture is pink, even the tattoos surrounding her body piercings are pink. elyn is the official decorator for all the RSM Clubhouse gatherings, which accounts for the closets full of inflatable cupids and cardboard hearts, and all the pink and white crepe paper draped muses. elyn spends her spare time crocheting heart-shaped toaster covers for her many friends.
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Barb G.: Chief Resident Sadist with a Heart Separated from her family at age two by what she refers to as "a bizarre gopher incident," Barb was raised by wolves. After being rescued by a group of snipe hunters at age eleven, she spent the remainder of her childhood mourning for her pack, and preparing for her future career as a liposuction technician. Barb has adjusted beautifully to life among humans, and insists that our preference for keeping her caged during the full moon is entirely unnecessary, not to mention bigoted.
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Diana DeShaun: Dispenser of Tasty Testosterone Treats Diana lives in Montana, where she teaches origami and modern dance to the local Boy Scouts. Her parole officer says that "Dear Diana is doing just dandy, thank you." Diana's principle hobby is using Big Mac wrappers to design couture clothing for her extensive collection of Ken dolls. When she’s not designing clothes, writing slash, or chasing Boy Scouts, Diana creates recipes for her forthcoming cookbook: “Cooking with Condiments.”
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Susi: Mistress of the Menagerie, Specializing in Control and Training In her real life, Susi is a prize winning culinary writer for a national magazine. This is a truly heart warming success story, given Susi's almost pathological fear of kitchens. According to her therapist she's making good progress, and Susi reports that she expects to be able to open her refrigerator sometime in 2005. Susi’s hobby is collecting Garden Gnome fountains. She says the real challenge isn’t the collecting, but timing them to pee in synch.
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Devil Child: Harlot Supreme Devil Child is an enigma. We have no idea who she is in real life. But we suspect -- this is all based on vicious rumors and unfounded speculation, you understand -- that she's a hit person for the mob. People piss her off once, and they're never heard from again, which, of course, makes her an invaluable and very popular member of our little group. On the other hand, she may just be a lawyer.
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Luminosity: Official Historian of Knowledge That Is Not Helpful, Proud Graduate of the Kronos University of Esoterica, Chaplain Luminosity owns thirteen rhinestone tiaras, twenty-seven pairs of lizard skin cowboy boots, thirty-two baby blue boas, one-thousand four-hundred seventy-two strings of green Mardi Gras beads, and the world's largest collection of Glen Campbell memorabilia. She's currently saving up to have her 'Born to Disco' tattoo removed. According to her official RSM questionnaire, Lum doesn't have any hobbies. However, she has been known to ramble on at length about the joys of Emu ranching. In fact, she has not been seen out in public with out a dog eared and much tattered copy of "Your Emu and You" since last Christmas.
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Moonpuppy: Beta Goddess, Bearer of the Automatic Weapons Moonpuppy is the June Cleaver of the RSM. Homemade cookies, white picket fence, President of the PTA -- she's the Platonic Ideal of the suburban soccer Mom. We admire her, but we don't want to be her; the last time anybody counted, she had five kids, all under the age of ten. We don't know where she finds the time, or the strength, to write, but she certainly needs the escape of slash writing more than the rest of us. Moonpuppy spends her spare time campaigning for the creation of a Pauli Shore museum. This involves lots of time spent trying to convince people that Pauli Shore really is an actor.
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Mousehounde: Official Mascot, Defender of Rodents mousehounde doesn't mind if you know who she is, but the rest of the gang objected. It seems that nobody wants to deal with paparazzi hiding in their bushes and the National Enquirer camping out on their doorsteps, trying to catch mousehounde coming or going. So we're going to keep mousehounde’s Super Secret Identity a secret, for now.
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Rachael: Emotional Junkie, Lady of Insufficient Light When Rache isn't writing slash, she thinks big. She designs floats for a living. Big floats. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Pasadena Rose Parade type floats. She has a private collection of designs for slash based floats that you would have to see to believe. Rache doesn't mess around with innuendo or subtext, these floats aren't a bit subtle. They're animatronic, larger than life-sized, complete with slashy sound effects and lots of well oiled moving parts. They'd be spectacular floats, but we're not sure the Lex Luthor/Snape float is anatomically possible -- Rache thinks really big.
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Taselby: Commander of Late Night Maneuvers, Slash Commando for the RSM Taselby was a Playmate of the month back in 1972. It was a pre-consciousness raising experience, and she doesn't like to talk about it, so if you run into her at a con, don't mention it. Not directly, anyway. A comment along the lines of "My goodness, you've held up well" might sneak by under her radar, especially if Devil Child is mixing the drinks, but jokes about Dorian Grey are not appreciated. mousehounde reports that it's been rumored that Taselby is the current technical advisor for "Nip/Tuck", but you didn't hear that from us.
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The Masked Slasher We know who she is, but for your protection, we're not going to share that information. All we can safely tell you about her is that she appears in a fandom out of nowhere, writes a handful of stories, then rides off into the night, leaving nothing behind her but the smell of great slash and a silver bullet -- batteries not included.
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Suze: Defender of the Muses, Militant Methos Slut It's time to tell the truth: there is no Suze. Suze doesn't exist, she's the RSM sock puppet. Back in 1998, two members of the RSM -- who shall remain nameless -- wanted an identity they could use to say snarky things on a list -- which shall also remain nameless -- without tarnishing their undeserved reputations as 'really nice people.' So they created 'Suze.' Since then, the Suze identity has been used by almost every member of the RSM at one time or another. Anytime anyone has something snarky or sarcastic to say, or wants to make a really bad joke, or post a piece of overly-cute schmarm, they log on as Suze. It's no good asking -- even we don't know which of us is/has been Suze at any given moment. In fact, one of our favorite ways to pass a slow Saturday night is to pull out some snark or schmarm and play a round of "Who's that Suze?"
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